when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
