life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
