I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
