Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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