i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
