i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
