i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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