remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this will be a night to untag.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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