In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
