Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
