i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
