I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
