yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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