Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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