man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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