You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
