did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
