I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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