And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize