He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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