When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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