So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
