Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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