My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You are the jesus of drinking
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
