I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
