I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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