is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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