I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
