Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
