Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
