I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
