my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
