Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
