mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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