We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
