He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
