No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
