WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
