i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
