Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
