You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
