I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
