he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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