i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
