Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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