Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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