we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i love accidental penises.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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