You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
