I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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