he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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