He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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