Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
