DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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