happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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