Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
