She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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