Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Less talking, more tequila
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
