it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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