Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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