i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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