when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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