if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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