yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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